Then why couldn’t I budge?
How had I arrived at this point in my life, so far from the confident, successful woman I’ve always been? It was a cruel contradiction – to be so accomplished and to feel like such a failure.
I had always been done-in by such contradictions. How was it that I could have incredible relationships with a few people in my life and yet other relationships were in shambles? How could one project win such praise and another fail to get off the ground? How was it that some of my decisions made me seem like an insightful genius and others seemed to reveal me to be dumb as dirt?
Timing? Luck? Fate?
Could everything in my life be just random happenings? What happened to free-will? Do any of us have any real influence on any of the fundamental aspects of our lives?
And then the voices just stopped and the questions fell away. At that moment, everything within me grew silent. I glanced at the clock. I had been engaged in my self-defeating argument for hours. Now, I only had ten minutes before I had to leave. I could feel myself teetering on the brink of a monumental breakdown. The abyss was right there.
Yet I felt strangely calm, almost dispassionate.
As a calming silence seeped deeper into my soul, I felt at peace.
“What does all this mean?”
Was that my voice asking the question out loud?
In the responding silence, I received my answer. “I am bringing your life into alignment.”
At that moment, I had no idea moment what it meant to have my life brought into alignment but give me credit, I was sensible enough to recognize that I had come to a turning point in my life. All my years of searching, of struggling, of grasping at “success” and never feeling that it was mine to claim, all the years of feeling that I was losing ground, all the years of feeling that the next crisis was just waiting for me around the corner…
Now I knew the “crisis” was upon me. But this particular crisis wasn’t about everything falling apart. It was about everything finally coming together. I was on the cusp of discovering the reason for every failure and success in my life. No, I was on the cusp of an even greater discovery, of which my life was only a part. I was gazing into an even more fundamental understanding. I was about to understand the reason for every success and failure in the history of the world. I know how that claim must sound to you. Grandiose. Impossible. Crazy, even. But it was true. And, like all truly great things, it turned out to be so simple.